Loneliness is certainly something I can’t ever recall actively thinking about, consuming me… until this weekend. When I was travelling last fall, I was travelling to Ohio, getting to spend time with my family who I hadn’t really spent much time with for about 6 years…. it was enjoyable and filled with lots of time where I was looking for houses and dealing with moving and working late… and frequently was able to be home on most weekends… as they say, home is where your heart is… and my home then, was both in Baltimore and Ohio.
This weekend I’m doing the opposite… thus, travelling to Baltimore, from Ohio. But my heart, it’s not here anymore. There’s work here, and I get a phat per-diem…. but that’s just food. Food is not the way to my heart… and even it was, that still doesn’t get me home…. which is where my heart is. So silly.
I spent much of my day today driving around, thinking about the folks that I could call and hang out with. None of them really were available, none that I cared to call… except for my Mother in Law. I called her as I was cresting the top of the Beltway…. with no particular destination, asked her if she wanted to have lunch and almost canceled it when she told me it’d be 45 minutes before we could meet…. when I told her we’d meet some other time this week, that I was hungry and couldn’t wait another 45 minutes, she convinced me that she could meet me in 20. And it was about 20, and we had lunch and talked about stuff. It was really very nice.
I came back to the hotel read some of Speaker for the Dead, the sequel to Enders Game (which I finished in 3 days and was a fantastic book), and fell asleep for a short nap. After which I headed out and had dinner alone, again. Last night it was Cazbar, where I had the Mixed Grill…. Tonight it was Sushi at XS. I sat alone and contemplated, realized that I’ve never really felt alone, and I’m grateful for that.
I love my wife and children, they really are my life, my everything, as cliche as it sounds it’s really so true, if you asked me to add more, or explain I’m not sure I’d have the words… but I miss them. I’m alone tonight again, but not quite lonely… I’ll end the night talking to my sweet wife, who has been dealing with sick kids, vomit, bloody noses, poopy diapers… and longing to be alone. To get the time to herself. One day I’ll figure out how to give it to her. I know it would mean the world to her. One day.